May Day May Day!

   Yesterday saw our annual Men Only Mystery May Day out and as usual we left Blackwither's full of anticipation and bacon butties. "Roxy", who will be familiar to our Sunday lunchtime

                                                                  Tapster's Promise

regulars, provided the on-bus entertainment and aisle seats were at a premium. This years' theme was "vegetables" and several regulars joined in with the spirit and dressed accordingly.
   Our driver Mick was the lucky winner of the prize for guessing our mystery destination which turned out to be Colne, the poor man's Hebden Bridge.
   First stop for our beery amigos was the Red Lion. A good old fashioned boozer serving Sam Smith's Old Brewery Bitter. Unfortunately there was a sign on the window saying "We sell drink not drunks" so we decided not to risk it and headed off to the local Spoon's.

 

Bogs at Wallace Hartley

  You're guaranteed good ale, rubbish service and a sticky table at most Spoons but at this one everything was spot on. The pub is named after Wallace Hartley, local lad and bandleader on the Titanic when it was sunk by an iceberg. Out of respect we made Derek, who was dressed as a lettuce, sit in the beer garden.
   Next stop was The Tapster's Promise, a newly opened micropub less than five minutes away. The Dark Star bitter was on exceptional form and some of our more experimental suppers tried the beardy beers of which there was quite a choice. The lad behind the bar, Oliver, seemed a decent cove despite what we'd previously heard, and provided us with nuts and Bombay mix. The decor left a lot to be desired consisting of chipboard, rusty metal and a series of "artworks" that looked more like broken windows. Having said that we enjoyed our visit and stayed a lot longer than expected. We eventually made it back to Blackwither's to see Burnley secure their place in the Premiership. An excellent day out.

Pasty Tax repealed!

To celebrate the repeal of the so-called Pasty Tax and the recent French Presidential elections, Blackwithers' chef Archie Sunblest has created a pie using horse meat. The Hollande's Pies will be available from Sunday or possibly Saturday, if the ground is a bit soft underfoot at Ripon.

Olympic torch route

Now that the government has given the go ahead to the controversial "fracking" process of extracting natural gas in the North West, the organizers have decided to change the route of the Olympic torch accordingly, reports The Bispham Bugle.

Pasty Tax

  After several heated conversations in the snug we've come up with a way to defeat the dreaded pasty tax. Our legal eagle Phil Shawshawandshaw maintains that the tax is only applicable on pasties sold above ambient room temperature. Basically, if the bar is as warm as the pasty then no tax!
    With this in mind we've organized a peat cutting morning for next Sunday, under cover of darkness, prior to our regular opening.
    A free buffet will be your reward and exotic dancer Roxy has promised to do something "a little bit special" not only as a big thankyou but also to mark the Tate Britain retrospective of local lad made good Damien Hirst. Let's hope it includes some dead animals as we've already seen her spots.
   Later in the evening we have a benefit gig with country and western tribute artist Pasty Cline and Derby prog rockers Anti-Pasti Tax. Tickets on sale at the bar.

Spines, cuts and scars

Brrr! Spines, Cuts and Scars. That's the title of Blackwithers' lounge lizard and snug salamander Paul Edmondson's latest  painting exhibition. After a successful run in our Stables Gallery the show moves on, turns left and takes the A56 to Colne, Lancashire where it can be found hanging on the walls of rival hostelry The Admiral Lord Rodney, purveyor of fine ales and multiple - choiced crisps. A word of warning... during weekdays the aforementioned pub doesn't open 'til four so it's necessary to go to The Red Lion first. Unless you want to sit outside with some tins, so I suppose it's down to the weather. I mean it were lovely t'other week when me and Doris went to Liverpool but look at it now! I dunno.

a lady writes...

Dear Blackwithers,
                             Whilst making up the numbers for a mixed foursome at Chuffington Golf Club on Boxing Day I sliced a shot on the seventh. As the ground was, as our friends in the racing fraternity call it, "good to soft", I can only put my foul disposition down to an ill considered double wager concerning Kauto Star winning the King George for an unprecedented fifth time and the demise of Prince Phillip. The object of my aggression veered to the left at a trajectory of approximately 18 degrees whilst the resulting divot disappeared to my right. After a short search, curtailed by an encroaching foursome with Masonic tendencies, I continued with my sport.
                           Later in the day as I relaxed in front, and slightly to the right, of the television, my attention was drawn to a contestant on the misnamed "Celebrity Mastermind". A Mr. Steven Harley, being neither celebrity nor mastermind, appeared to have found the small piece of turf I accidentally excavated from the seventh.
                            If Mr. Harley would be so kind as to return the aforementioned sod to Chuffington I will personally reward him with tea and biscuits, especially, as I believe Mr. Harley is a musician, if he brings his trumpet.
                                                   
                                                      Yours faithfully,
                                                                                  Judith Teen, Lady Captain.

ken russell

  It is with great sadness that we heard of the passing of Ken Russell one of Britain's finest film directors.
    Let it not be forgotten that Ken drew his inspiration for the classic scene in "Women In Love" from our very own Blackwithers Sunday Afternoon Session where he was a regular.
   In the movie Alan Bates and Oliver Reed wrestle naked in front of a roaring hearth. This Sunday, in the snug, we present Richard "Heyho" Flint verses The Gisburn Grappler and our ever popular audience participation "tag" match with talented amateur Little Nev (who's a bit of a greasy customer, let me tell you!)
  All this for £5 including pie, peas, gravy and a blessing from the Bishop of Bispham and Cleveleys.
   Please note: due to the increased electricity prices and a slump in the sale of pork scratchings after the appearance of Phil "Coconut" Shaw, two bars instead of the usual three will be used on the log effect fire.
  In tribute to Mr. Russell music from his film "Tommy", based on the life of WW2 soldier Tommy Atkins and based on the concept album by George Formby, will be played during the pies.

National awareness day

  Due to constant lobbying by Blackwithers regulars the Charity Commision has now designated Dec.11th as National No Neck Awareness Day.
   We hope to bring to the attention of members of the public the plight of people with no necks and the problems they encounter in their everyday lives.
   Please join us by wearing a tie around your head on Dec. 11th. You are sure to be the talking point in your place of work or public house. You may even attract the attention of strangers in the street, all of which helps raise awareness of National No Neck Day.
   (National No Neck Awareness Day will also be sponsering the 1.40pm race at Wincanton on Dec. 11th). Thank you for your support.

A Bit Crap Then

Rubbish plate spinner...dubious Scrabble word.....Pendle's Got No Talent....no finds in dig....All A Bit Crap Then.

Metal Detecting

    Blackwithers regular Arthur Tussle (Canadian Club, no ice) has once again turned up trumps with his metal detecting.
   Whilst recently visiting his local branch of Morrison's in Halifax his metal detector (Viking 5), discovered an astounding array of tin cans. As Arthur doesn't own the land (and is a bit of a stickler for the rules!) he offered to go halves with the store manager, who, in turn, offered to call the local constabulary. Arthur parried with the information that a well known breakfast cereal had failed to trigger his Viking 5 despite allegedly having a high iron content.
   At this point a Mystery Shopper, who had been admiring the display of organic beetroot, intervened. Arthur was escorted off the premises but not before insisting that the manager re-emburse him for the pound coin lodged in his trolley. Well done Arthur!
   (Arthur's biggest find to date has been the perfectly preserved fuselage of a Messerschmitt 109-E that had been gathering dust in The Imperial War museum, London.)

royal wedding

 Phew! Now that the Royal Wedding party has departed we are pleased to announce that our annex is now available until the end of August. All mod-cons and within walking distance of the public bar and toilets.

scandalous

Stroke mag spotted in public library, disgusting.

Psychedelic dubstep from sugarcane ghost

Well here it is at last, filmed entirely in the mysterious Trawden Triangle, Sugarcane Ghost's latest (and to my mind most commercial) video. No aliens were harmed during the making of this video.

sugarcane ghost

Bit quiet of late...well not really(!) as legendary artrockers Sugarcane Ghost have been putting the finishing touches to their latest waxing in our cellar. (it's the acoustics...and the barrels.) All the way from San Francisco this unpopular combo will soon be touring the U.K. with deathmetal superstars Megabus. Catch their latest tunes on You Tube or I'll try to put some on here, if I can be arsed.
Just heard that legendary saxophonist P.D. "Lend Us a Tenor" Giddello will be visiting in August! Watch this           .

shut it

Go boil yr head.

Toilet humour

   After the raid on Bin Laden's compound the American's said they were looking for Bin Laden's "Number 2". Now they say they are looking for his "Golden Chain"(?). How many bathrooms can a million dollar house have? Does explain the price tag though.

blackwithers bed and breakfast

One for Archie

Me old mucker Archie Sunblest is always looking for after dinner speakers. He's one for yer roster Archie! From Th' Nelson Leader.

Readers' Wives

Thanks to Jeff Mutton for sending in this lovely photo of his girlfriend Sarah taken on a day trip to Slaidburn.

Bin Laden?

Well there I was queuing for me holiday snaps in Supersnaps (they're a bit more obliging than Boots when it comes to photos of a delicate nature) when I got talking to the bloke behind me. As he was of African decent I presumed he was lost but no it turns out it's President Obama from the Americas. He was waiting to get his birth certificate photocopied so that he could buy some fags for his mam.
That's what he told me anyway but when I got home and looked at me snaps it seems I'd been given the wrong 'uns. I initially thought that it was a photo of CIA operative and Blackwater employee Chuck Watson that had been altered using a green tea teabag and Mexican salsa (both available from Home Bargains) but NO! Turns out that these are the Photos of Bin Laden after being shot! By seals! In a million dollar mansion! Before being buried at sea!(Osama Bin Laden being an anagram of "lob da man in sea"!). I could be sitting on a fortune here. Suggestions please.